ABOVE CONCORDIA, KS—Her pen mercilessly slashing its way through a stack of handwritten pages, the middle school English teacher grading papers next to you on your flight from Los Angeles to Cleveland sure isn’t pulling any punches, sources confirmed Friday. “Man, she’s really letting those kids have it, isn’t she?” you reportedly thought to yourself while watching the teacher, who is holding nothing back as she fills page after page with red ink, crosses out entire paragraphs and aggressively marks several sentences “unnecessary” or “confusing.” “C plus, B minus, D minus—this woman is not fucking around. These are 12-year-olds writing papers on Abraham Lincoln, for God’s sake. You’d think she’d just be glad they turned in something halfway readable.” At press time, sources confirmed that Joey Caldwell from third period was getting torn a new asshole.
Intact Benetton Shirt Miraculously Pulled From Bangladesh Rubble Weeks Later →
DHAKA, BANGLADESH—Nearly three weeks after the tragic collapse of a factory building in Bangladesh, overjoyed representatives for the clothing company United Colors of Benetton announced Monday they had miraculously managed to pull a fully intact shirt from the wreckage. “We are thrilled and relieved to report the rescue of a men’s medium fuchsia short-sleeved shirt from the rubble of the Rana Plaza building,” a beaming Benetton spokesman said of the article of clothing from the company’s 2013 summer collection, which authorities believe survived the collapse of the eight-story building wedged in the spaces between two large cinder blocks. “We’re happy to report that, aside from a few smudges, the shirt is in excellent condition and only needs a slight washing before it can be shipped to retailers. We want to thank the brave rescue workers in Dhaka for never giving up hope of finding this precious shirt.” At press time, Benetton reported that the garment had been restored to its factory condition and would retail for $59.40